My goal was not to tear this time. My past two deliveries were very fast at the end and I always ended up with a lot of stitches. Blair and I talked a lot about what I could do differently to make my recovery better this time around. Talking about the birth only made me more anxious to get this pregnancy over with.
This was my first baby to go past his due date -June 29th - and I was kind of a wimp about it. Every hour felt like eternity! Especially since I had been feeling lots of pre-labor signs for days (i.e. cramping, lower back pain, extra fatigue and pelvic pain). Blair and I were worried this labor would go really fast once it started, so we had bags packed and towels in the car for weeks. I just wanted that little baby out of me already!
Two days leading up to Philip's delivery, I had a noticeable decrease in appetite. I also noticed some more blemishes on my face than was typical during pregnancy. (The only time I have clear skin is when I'm pregnant. Is that cruel or what?)
The morning of July 1st, 2019
4:30 am I was too restless to sleep at all so I got out of bed to read, do some squats, and jog in place, hoping - as I did every day for the past week - labor would start soon.
7:00 am - The kids woke up and I started making plans to celebrate Paul's birthday. I honestly thought we'd already have had the baby by now and we'd have to post-pone the celebration, so I admit it was a bit half-hearted, last-minute planning on my part.
8:00 am - Blair was reluctantly getting ready for work and asked me if I was sure I didn't "feel" anything. I laughed telling him that I did get my hopes up earlier that morning when I thought my water broke, but I had only peed myself a little. He looked pretty disappointed.
Away to work he went, just like any ordinary Monday.
8:45 am - By this point I was pretty sure I couldn't be peeing myself every ten minutes; it must be amniotic fluid coming in a very slow trickle.
8:50 am - I texted Blair: "I'm not 100% sure yet, but I think my water may have broken. It's just a very small trickle. Let me know you got this." He responded, "Roger" I then could imagine him rushing out the door announcing to his co-workers that his wife was in labor, only to come back with the sheepish news that his wife had actually just wet her pants. I quickly added the text, "Don't leave work yet. I should have a clearer answer soon."
9:09 am - I figured if there was a tiny tear to the amniotic sac, I could probably make that tear bigger with some effort. After doing more rigorous squats and jogging, I felt that familiar, small gush I remembered kicking off my two previous labors.
I put on some depends (childbirth is so sexy) and told the kids there was a change of plans. I said I was pretty sure we'd have a baby for Paul's birthday. They were thrilled! Paul burst out, "That's way more exciting than those other birthday plans!"
Yes Paul, you are so right!
9:30 am - Blair got home and we grabbed a few last-minute items for the hospital. Our next-door-neighbor asked us where we were going and it was fun to tell him we were going to have a baby! As excited as we were, I was a little surprised no contractions had started yet.
10:00 am - We dropped the kids off at my parents' house. There were still no contractions, but the leaking was never-ending. My mom sent us with an arm-load of towels even though I was already wearing a diaper, essentially, and I was sitting on one of our towels from home.
10:20 am -We arrived at the Keiser Westside labor and delivery parking lot and went for a short walk around a nearby park, hoping to get some contractions started before checking in. It only resulted in achy, swollen feet, an uncomfortably squished bladder and more sporadic period-like cramping.
10:40 am - We walked (well... I waddled) in the door and got checked in. Since my water broke, I knew I was not leaving this building without our baby.
10:55 am - A nurse came to admit us to room nine. She let me skip triage since she knew I had done this two times before and already believed me when I told her my water broke.
11:00 - 11:30 am - We got settled into our room. I got dressed into a hospital gown and changed into some fresh hospital diaper-sized pads. I was directed to lay on the bed so they could attach two monitors to my belly: one for tracking the baby's heartbeat, and one for tracking my contractions. Unfortunately my cramps hardly made any wiggle on the monitor screen's line.
Yet again, as with my previous birth stories, there was trouble finding my veins to insert a saline lock for antibiotics. Because, yet again, I had tested positive for GBS. Joy, our sweet little first nurse on call, tried her darnedest to find a vein in one try. She spent at least fifteen minutes examining my arms, placing a heating pad on certain spots that looked promising to get the blood flowing, and squeezing and pressing different veins. I had told her that for my first delivery I was poked about seven or eight times during active labor. She had a pained expression at my story and was determined not to let that happen again under her watch.
After all that fuss, she inserted the needle painfully into the side of my wrist and it looked like a success - blood was coming through the line. But just as she was celebrating and sending the phlebotomist back out the door, she realized she'd ruptured my vein and caused painful bruising. Joy had to call the phlebotomist back in after all.
The phlebotomist was a lovely blonde woman with tiny hands and a soothing Irish accent. She whipped out a handy little vein finder and was successful in getting the "hep lock" into my right forearm on her first try.
11:40 am - There were still no contractions so I ordered a shrimp and rice fajita bowl for lunch. Blair and I walked a couple laps around the halls while I pulled the IV pole with me.
Even though I felt perfectly fine, it's strange how wearing hospital socks and gown with an IV pole attached to your arm can psychologically trick you into feeling weak and sick. That's a huge downside to delivering a baby naturally at the hospital. I just had to keep reminding myself that I was healthy, strong and very capable. One's mental state is so important during labor!
The strange feeling of waiting
12:00 - 4:00 pm - The midwife told us we could wait until three in the afternoon to see if my labor would start on it's own, she said we should then consider pitocin. This was a new experience for Blair and me. Both of my previous births involved rushing to the hospital at night with my contractions already going strong. We were not used to waiting around at the hospital for labor to start in broad daylight. As each hour passed, I got more and more nervous that I would need some kind of intervention to get things going and I was really not excited about trying to labor through pitocin contractions un-medicated; I've heard they are much more painful than natural contractions.
The nurse kept asking me how I was feeling. I really played up the pain of my cramping a little dishonestly, in hopes that she'd believe I was progressing fine on my own; I just needed more time. However, it's a little silly to lie about your pain level when they've got you hooked to a machine that monitors the strength of your contractions for everyone in the room to see. That stupid line just barely bumped around on the bottom of the screen, as if it were chuckling at my pathetic lie. Meanwhile I was squatting and marching in place in that ridiculous hospital gown like a crazy person.
At some point during this waiting period, we started watching the new Wonder Woman movie since I'd never seen it and it seemed totally appropriate for pumping me up for what I was about to do. All the while, I kept up my high knees, steps up and down from a footstool, and squatting squatting squatting. I was getting pretty sweaty just from trying to start labor!
I remember being jealous of the contractions that showed up on our screen from a woman in room five. They were these big, steady, smooth arches. Mine were comparatively non existent and choppy.
3:30 pm - I finally caved and let them check my cervix for dilation. I wasn't even a full two centimeters and my cervix was high and tight. Even though this was a theme with me and my labor stories - don't trust my lack of dilation - it was still discouraging news to hear.
I told the nurse and midwife about my previous birth stories and that once labor starts, I dilate very quickly right at the end. They seemed to take me seriously because they got all the equipment ready for when things would "really speed up". I was hoping this birth wouldn't make me look like a fool for telling them that.
4:00 pm - It was an hour past my goal time and natural labor still hadn't arrived. The midwife talked me into taking Misoprostol which softens the cervix and can sometimes kick-start labor. They kept telling me "It's a very tiny pill and we cut it into quarters. It's so so small!" After it was already dissolving in my mouth, I asked Blair to Google what the heck I just put into my body. Reading the risks of anything from Google is always a frightening thing, but it was too late; the dreaded Misoprostol was already in my body doing whatever it was going to do.
Waves! Big beautiful (and painful) waves!
5:30 pm - I have no idea if the Misoprostol gets the credit or if the timing was just coincidence, but an hour and a half after taking the "tiny pill", I finally started to feel real contractions. I remembered that relentless, rhythmic tightening in my lower abdomen and back so well, I knew it was the real thing. They were strong enough that I had to stop talking and focus to get through them. Unfortunately they still weren't showing up on the monitor.
6:00 pm - The contractions were getting stronger and more angry. The way I handle pain like this, is to completely relax my face and jaw, which may give others in the room the impression that I'm not feeling much of anything. Plus I was still able to smile and laugh between contractions. It really didn't help that the monitor still wasn't showing anything different on the screen. Eventually Joy, the nurse, readjusted the sensor on my belly so that the monitor finally was showing the waves I had already been feeling for the last half hour. I don't know why having that validation felt so good.
7:00 - 8:00 pm - We had paused the movie at some point earlier and just now decided to try to finish it. I was swaying and bouncing gently on the birthing ball as I tried to follow the plot of Wonder Woman with all it's end-of-movie explosions and fighting. Meanwhile, I was really feeling a combat raging inside my own body.
The contractions at this point were becoming merciless. Imagine the intensity of a charlie horse, but you feel it in your whole lower midsection, and imagine that charlie horse pain level could extend beyond it's normal limits. It takes every ounce of concentration not to tense up, panic, or scream. The peak of each contraction was getting so livid, I had to throw my head back and puff my cheeks with each exhale in order to maintain my focus and relax my eyebrows and jaw.
Blair noticed my change in behavior so he turned down the lights, put on some relaxing music and started rubbing my neck and shoulders. I honestly don't remember anything specific he was saying to me during this time, but I do remember it all being positive and helpful in my efforts to relax. Occasionally he'd breath with me if he noticed I was struggling through a particularly difficult contraction.
8:30 pm - It wasn't until sometime between eight and eight thirty that the midwife could tell I was experiencing hard labor pain. The hospital staff were all very good about consulting my birth plan, so she offered the tub a few times, knowing that was what I wanted. I was trying to hold off using the tub for as long as possible since I was pretty sure it had slowed my labor with Darla down a bit when I got in the water too early.
I loved laboring in the warm water during Darla's birth, but I knew the hospital really didn't like having babies accidentally born in the water, as had happened with me last time. My midwife this time kept joking about how they don't want a water birth, but that it had happened before in this hospital. Blair and I didn't tell her that I was the very first woman to give birth in the water at that hospital. Maybe we were keeping that a secret because we didn't want them to shy away form letting me in there again.
8:40 pm - I was done with that round of antibiotics, so I agreed to go to the tub. I was worried that I had waited a little too long, because each contraction now had that added element of heaviness down low, that intense rectal pressure that had a pushing heave feel to it. It was all I could do to keep myself from grunting. I didn't want the nurse or midwife to pick up on how close I was to the pushing stage, so I breathed through it and avoided using my vocal cords as much as possible.
Temporary relief
8:45 pm - I had to walk down the hall about twenty yards to get to the tub room. When we were just a few feet away from the door, I felt a very strong contraction that took every bit of effort to keep myself from moaning and grunting. Once it passed, I made my way into the door, stepped into that glorious warm water and felt the tension in all my muscles melt away. I was floating in warm heavenly bliss. I don't know how many times I said it, but I just kept hearing myself say, "This water feels sooooo good." My contractions did get a little further apart when I was in the water, but they certainly weren't any weaker, just more manageable with the relaxing sensation of the heated water.
By this point, the monitor was showing the contractions to be the size of tidal waves compared to the initial little bumps on the screen.
They put a long, clear, plastic glove on my arm with the saline lock, and then placed a rubber band at the top to "seal" out the water... I guess? Water was seeping to the glove in no time anyway.
9:10 pm - Blair still had relaxing music playing. There was one song I told him to skip. I don't remember what the song was, but it must not have felt right.
They offered us aroma therapy patches, which I had never used for labor before, so I said I'd try the mandarin scent. It was a little patch they stuck to the front strap of my sports bra. They also offered us both a Popsicle. Naturally, I chose the orange flavor to match my aroma patch.
I tell you, there's nothing quite so nice as a cool, sweet Popsicle in your mouth and a hot bath engulfing your body during hard labor. That's the way to do it! I'd almost consider this a luxurious stay at a spa, if it weren't for my exposed, heaving, and pain-ridden body attacking itself every two minutes.
"She's having a baby!"
9:10 - 9:30 - These tidal waves were so gigantic now, they were starting to capsize my little boat of composure. I heard my breathing tremble through each contraction and my vocal cords were forcing their way out of my lungs a little at a time in a low moan. I watched my legs writhe and squirm under the weight of the pain. Blair said he knew it was close because this is the point in labor when I have a wild, unfocused look in my eyes - almost animal-like. He stayed right there next to me, rubbing my shoulders and reminding me to relax and breath, then he would model the slow breathing for me to follow. I was trying so hard to mimic his controlled breathing, but hyperventilation was threatening to take over at every second.
9:30 - Blair could see all the cues (the low guttural moaning, the writhing, lack of focus etc.) and he told me, "I'm going to call them in." I thought I remembered telling him, "But then they'll make me get out!" But Blair later told me I never actually said that, so I must have just thought it very loudly in my mind. I must not have been in a state to actually speak coherently at that point, but it was a very memorable thought I had.
9:31 - He pulled the emergency cord and immediately a sea of blue and purple scrubs spilled in the doorway. (At least that's how I remember it. Memory from labor is very warped since you kind of block out the rest of the world and really go to an internal place during those last moments.)
9:32 - I didn't know what they were going to expect me to do, but I did not want to move. Blair suggested I wait there through one more contraction before getting out of the tub. That next contraction made it very obvious to me and Blair that the baby was coming at any moment. Some blood and amniotic fluid burst out of me into the water like a little red cloud and I could feel the pressure of the baby's head right there. Blair, in an effort to alert them to how close I was, insistently told them "She is having a baby!"
They took the hint.
A gurney was readied for me. Someone pointed to a far corner of the room and ordered Blair to go stand out of the way. (I didn't know they said that to him until he told me later.) A midwife named Rosie grabbed my hand and very firmly, but gently guided me up and out of the tub, saying, "Come on mama, time to get out!" I thought that if I fought her suggestion, I would only waste this precious time between contractions and I might end up having the baby at an awkward halfway point on the floor or something. So I just quickly committed myself to making it to the gurney as quickly and safely as possible.
As I pulled my dripping, heavy body onto the towel-lined gurney, I instinctively rejected the idea of laying on my back. I resorted to laying on my left side, which surprisingly didn't feel too bad, considering my circumstances. I waited for the mad dash down the hall to start at any second, but it felt like they were taking an eternity to get things ready. I felt them laying towels (or was it a blanket?) on my body and rushing about.
9:33 - I was so full of adrenaline, that I could feel my breathing shake even without any contraction. I was mentally preparing myself for what I knew was going to be the final push. I didn't actually realize Blair wasn't right beside me anymore. I was replaying his voice and breathing pattern in my mind as I tried not to panic over what I knew was coming. It felt like his head was still right next to mine, reminding me to relax, to resist the urge to clench and push, and of course, to breath.
I finally felt the gurney move. We were heading out the door into the bright hallway. I was still surrounded by bustling purple scrubs. We were halfway down the hall when I felt the beginnings of the "big one". A part of me was still in the present world, but most of conciousness was somewhere else. I forced myself to follow Blair's voice in my mind, "breath, relax, don't push".
9:34 - Everything I explain next happened within a matter of seconds, but there was a lot going on.
Relaxing was impossible now as we neared the door because I felt the baby's head begin to crown with that familiar stinging pressure. It was the feeling of dry-heaving downward as my whole body squeezed and wrung me out like a washcloth. This is when I started thinking, "I don't want to be here right now. There's only one way out of this, and I don't want to do it!"
I distinctly remember trying so hard not to make any noises, but that's impossible too. It's such a horrible sound that comes out of me. It's not a scream; it's much more deep and horrifying. I don't think I could ever be a midwife simply because I could not handle hearing that from someone else. The blood and fluids wouldn't bother me, just that terrifying cry only a woman giving birth can create.
I instinctively reached down to feel the baby's head, but found I couldn't feel anything since I had that stupid glove on with water-filled fingers.
It was a miraculous feat that I hadn't pushed with the contraction yet, but I could feel that I was seconds away from losing control. We rounded the corner into the room, and they urged me more onto my back, though I was still half way on my left side. I felt someone grab my right knee and push it up closer to my chest, which bothered me for some reason. My cry intensified as the pressure built and built and built... and then...
The amazing gush of relief! His head and body slid out in a second with a burst of fluid, and they placed him on my belly.
I could feel my lungs inflate and all my organs "fall" from their squished position which had been intensifying over the last nine months and especially in the last ten minutes. That amount of pressure, followed by that amount of relief is almost impossible to describe. It's incredible.
My attention immediately went to my baby. A baby! A real, live, crying baby boy on my tummy! I felt his smooth little limbs and his tiny head. I remember thinking, "Are all newborns this small?" He seems especially little!" He actually ended up weighing 7 lbs and 15.5 oz. We should probably just say 8 lbs since that's what he would have weighed if he hadn't pooped all over me on his way out of the birth canal.
One of the midwives kept saying, "He has a very long umbilical cord; you can bring him up to your chest." I didn't think I had the strength or wits to figure out how to do that. My body wasn't done with labor yet. I was still shaking and I could tell there was still some pushing left to do for the placenta.
After birth
I don't usually include this part in my birth stories, but it's all worth knowing if you've never been through this before.
9:36 - One could get addicted to that amazing high you get after birthing a baby naturally. You just feel invincible. I would imagine it's similar to finishing a marathon or something. There were many words of congratulations and "Good job"s. Blair had made his way through the crowd to my side again to celebrate the arrival of our third child.
I was helped onto the actual hospital bed and they had me scoot my bottom to the very end. One of the staff members started gently pulling on the umbilical cord as someone else pressed firmly on my stomach, and they urged me to push. Oh it felt so invasively awful to have them smashing what felt like overworked and bruised muscles. Those muscles were shaking and I couldn't get them to obey. It took a few tries before I was able to "push" again, and the placenta came out with another gush almost as relieving as the birth of the baby.
9:37 - After placing my feet in the stirrups, they assessed the damage. To my utter relief, the midwife told me I had only one tiny tear that probably didn't need any stitches. But they gave me two stitches just in case. I don't know if I believe them when they say they numb me before giving me stitches because I always feel it. It hurts as much as you'd imagine it would if someone were jabbing your bruised flesh with a needle.
We did it though! With Blair's help I was able to avoid tearing as much, which has made a world of difference for my recovery this time around. And Paul was so excited to find out that his little brother was born on his birthday, just like he was wanting ever since I told the kids I was pregnant.
After giving birth, I'm always so amazed at how incredible our bodies are, and how much my love can expand for each member of my family - especially for Blair. I really feel so honored to be a mother... which is practically synonymous with Wonder Woman.
