The ramblings of a heart-broken sister

I rarely cry. I can't stand the swollen throat, the runny nose, the stinging makeup in the eyes. Even worse, though, are those feelings that accompany tears, such as helplessness, weakness, self-pity and abandon. I much rather like to laugh at problems. (I love laughter so much I wrote an entire blog post about it last summer - A laughing matter.) Why cry and add such raw, ugly, seriousness to something that's already painful? Laughing keeps me in control and the mood light. Of course, there are times when you don't have a choice. There are times when the pain is so deep, so offending and so unexpected, you're sobbing before you can fight it. One year ago, today, was one of those times. Risa left us.

The last week of her life was a horrific waiting game. I remember being torn; I wanted her suffering to end, but not by her death. It goes against all instincts to let someone or something die. If an animal were hurt, I would try to help it. This was my baby sister. I remember thinking, why are we just watching and letting this happen to her?  Yet, I also knew that if we could just let her go, she could finally be happy again.

It has been said before that her name means laughter. Risa Melody Whitaker, a melody of laughter. I try to replay her sweet laugh. It disturbs me to realize how quickly memories fade. I wish I could remember everything that was said in those silly conversations I had with her. What did I say to make her laugh? What did she say to make me laugh? One thing I do remember clearly is how she would laugh - her beautiful dimpled smile, her sweet melody of giggles, her head thrown back in full-on, snorting guffaws, and her pretty little hand held to her face to recover as she pursed her lips closed.


In contrast, I hardly recognized my own wailing voice as I watched her leave. What an awful sound that was! I had never heard myself sob like that. Why do we even do that? It doesn't change anything. My family and I eventually had to stop crying to discover that Risa was still gone. We were still here with lives to live. The world moved on in such a disrespectful normalcy and we were expected to join it.

The mind can be one's worst enemy in times of tragedy. Right after she died, my mind would taunt me by telling me everything would be alright in the morning. Risa would be alive and well. This was all just a really long, and terribly realistic nightmare.  I hated hearing that voice because it only lived long enough to be violently clutched and killed by reality, forcing another wave of stinging tears. Regret was another unpleasant frequenter of the mind. Why didn't I sing Encore songs with her more often, like she wanted? Why didn't I invite her into my room and talk about her life? Why didn't I teach her how to dance as she always wished? If only, if only, if only. Silly mind. I had thousands of wonderful days with her! I am so lucky to have lived with her, to be her sister! As cliche and Broadway-Musical-ish as it may sound, I really am a better person because I've known her.

Yes, it was extremely painful to let her go. But, you know what? As hard as those days were, I never could feel hopeless or depressed. How could I? I felt more assuredly than ever that God was in charge. I felt the reality of the spirit world, the reality of eternity, the reality of forever families, and the reality of Christ's atonement and resurrection more than ever. How could I feel hopelessness, abandonment or despair? As soon as my self-pity tried to bring me down, the reality of God's great plan for Risa, for me, and for everyone would lift me up again. She's right over there and I'll see her again... no question.

Though I still don't like to, I do periodically tear up at times. However, Risa's hope before she died was that our family would still be the happy family we've always been. She still wanted us to laugh. We do. We laugh a lot. And I know she does too. Life goes on and it gets better as we experience the laughter and the tears. I miss her so so much, but I know I'll be with her again and we'll be singing, dancing and, above all,  laughing together.

Crawling

This was taken more than a week ago. He's even better at it now. :)

Blair's birthday surprise!

So Blair has been bogged down with the stresses of work lately and I'd been trying to think of how to really cheer him up for his birthday. But, beside a few presents and a dinner reservation, I just couldn't think of anything. My mom must have gotten wind of all this because what happened on the 11th (the day before his birthday) was incredible!

When we came home from church on Sunday, these were on our porch.


Here's what was in the bag:



My mom showed up as we were eating lunch and said, "Can I have your baby?" She picked up Paul and brought him to her house while we went on this birthday quest.

Here's the note found on the windshield of our car:


Blair figured it out in two seconds - Omsi. :)

We showed the person at the concierge desk Blair's name tag. The girl smiled and said, "Hello, Blair!"  and handed us the next clue.



Here's a close-up of that clue he's holding. The attached envelope had two tickets for the submarine tour.


The lady at the desk told us that the submarine tour would start at  2:30. It was exactly 2:30 right then! We dashed down the hall.

We waited for the tour to start:


After waiting for 20 minutes, we found out we had barely missed the tour when we arrived. :( So we headed back to the concierge desk for the next clue.

There were FOUR tickets in this next envelope. Two for a planetarium show about black holes and two for the next one about stars and finding constellations. Both shows were a half hour each. We enjoyed laying back and watching the beautiful shows about space on the large domed screen. We loved it! :)

Here's the last clue from the concierge desk. It's probably to small to read from the picture, so here's what it says: "To infinity, beyond and still even more. The joy that you bring can't be bought at a store. Sealed for eternity and blessed to the core, we gained a son - a man we adore! Visit the center at the temple of course!


Sooo we headed over to the temple's new visitor's center! If you haven't gone to see it yet, you need to! It's amazing what they were able to fit in that tiny building! It's all very interactive and high-tech. :)



After looking around, watching a video about eternal families and playing a temple geography game, we earned our final clue.


When we arrived at my parents' house, Paul was fast asleep and this delicious meal was waiting for us!


I had him open his presents after dinner since this elaborate celebration was totally going to outshine our plans for the next day.

So for anyone who still had any doubts, this aught to thoroughly convince you; my mom is extremely awesome. No questions asked.



On his actual birthday we went out to eat at a delicious Japanese restaurant called Yuzu's. (I would highly recommend this place. I think we'll definitely be going back.) Then we went to New Season's to buy some gelato and other goodies. Sorry, there are no pictures from his actual birthday, but I assure you, we were both in great spirits and we had a giddily good time!

Happy birthday, Blair! I'm now married to a twenty-eight year-old man, and I'm more crazy-in-love with you with every passing year. It really does just keep getting better and better. I love you!

Three big events in 2011

The following was taken from a Christmas letter I wrote to my brother in-law while on his mission. He asked us to tell of things that happened for us that year and what we learned about the Savior.


A lot has happened for me this past year. I have experienced more emotional and physical pain than any other year of my life, yet I cannot say it was a "bad" year. In fact, it has been an incredible time of growth and of gaining deeper understanding of the Lord's love for me. I’ll share three big events from the year and what I’ve learned from them.

My most emotionally painful experience: death

March thirty-first was the day I watched my dear little sister pass away. Cancer is one of the smoother transitions from this life to the next and it was in the Spring of last year when Risa was diagnosed with it. I watched Risa slowly withdraw from the cares of this world and place her thoughts and attention to the things of eternity. From the very beginning, she expressed peace and confidence in God's plan for her. We, her family, did not share that confidence at first. We held weak hopes that she was actually getting better. It would be months before the doctors would inform us that her liver was failing and that she only had a few days left. The news was a big blow to us but Risa just said, "This is what I've been waiting for". That week, we watched as she slowly lost her abilities to function normally and cared for her around the clock, day and night, which proved to be an exhausting and emotionally draining task. On Sunday, the Sacrament hymn struck me at a deep level:

Abide with me; 'tis eventide. The day is past and gone;

The shadows of the evening fall; The night is coming on.

Within my heart a welcome guest, Within my home abide.

O Savior, stay this night with me; Behold, 'tis eventide.

O Savior, stay this night with me; behold, 'tis eventide.

Just as we had to stay with Risa for hours as she endured the hardest nights, our Savior will abide with us through our darkest and most difficult times. We didn’t know and couldn’t understand just how painful it was for Risa as we cared for her, but Jesus actually understands the pains of those he tends to and never wearies through His watch, as we do.

Risa took her last breath while we all sat near her bed and my mom had her in her arms. As difficult and heart wrenching as this experience was, I cannot recall a time I felt so supported by God's love and so close to the Spirit as I did then. I felt so much peace. I don't just believe I'll be with her again, I know it. This confidence can only come from our Savior, who has overcome sin and death, and in whom Risa has had immense Faith from the beginning. God has an unfathomable love for us. I understand that more now than I did before this experience. Never before have I been so grateful for His great plan of Happiness!

My most physically painful experience: life

After I delivered Paul on July First, Blair and I couldn’t help but notice the similarities between the events of death and of birth. Both involve physical pain and intense emotional feelings. Both bring us so close to the veil that we become more sensitive to the spirit world. God watches over us very tenderly as a life begins and as it ends.

Though giving birth was the most intense and physically exhausting adventure of my life, I feel it has chiseled within me a deeper capacity to feel love and experience joy. I can’t even describe the love I have for Paul and for Blair. I marvel at the kind of love our Savior must have for each of us, knowing that He has suffered beyond our ability to comprehend and in our behalf. Just as my pain brought about a new life, His pain has given each of us new life. I feel that my appreciation and understanding of Jesus Christ--though extremely inadequate--has increased tremendously.

Listening to a prophet’s voice.

The third big event I want to mention from this year, was attending General Conference last October. I loved the feeling of strength and unity as I sat with thousands of other Latter-Day Saints who know of the same truths I do. The spirit was undeniable as it testified of the reality of these doctrines, which have been tested and strengthened for me earlier this year. Families are meant to be eternal. The Saviour lives and really does understand our joys as well as our pains. He and our Heavenly Father love us so much and will not leave us comfortless. The Book of Mormon is true. Jesus Christ leads this Church through His divinely appointed leaders who were sitting right in front of us in the Conference Center. It was an event that re-enforced my recently strengthened testimony, and I’m so grateful I could be there!

I feel this year has made me happier and wiser, not depressed or resentful. It’s amazing how much greater our happiness can be after we’ve been through something extremely difficult and painful. Just as Lehi said that there must be “an opposition in all things”,  we really do “taste the bitter, that [we] may know to prize the good” as it says in Doctrine and Covenants 29:39.

Moving and communicating!

     Paul has discovered the power of communication through words! A couple of weeks ago I was getting ready to feed him and said "num num" like I always do right before he eats, but I was totally taken back when my baby responded by saying "num num" back! It was weird and exciting at the same time and I kept saying "Yes! This is num num!"

He says "num num" everytime he sees food now. It's pretty cute. He can also say "mama", "dada" and we're working on "bye bye". I love it!

Here's a video of his inchworm skills. It's not exactly "crawling" yet, but he can still get anywhere he wants. Please ignore his severely clashing, plaid-shirt, striped-pants outfit. We switched his uncomfortable slacks for comfy sweats after church.

While daddy was gone

This post is a little late, but here are some things Paul and I did while Blair was in North Carolina.

We visited Laura and Ben.


Paul decided he liked aunt Laura after she gave him a bowl of cheerios.


Benjamin was very welcoming to his guest - well, one of them. He hand fed me cheerios and cuddled with me, which often required pushing Paul out of the way. I couldn't stop laughing!

I also had time to work on one of my projects while Blair was gone. I turned the Costco baby wipes boxes into storage bins for Paul's room. I wanted them to have a removable liner so they could be washed.


I've made three so far, and am just waiting for one more wipe box to complete the set.



We've also been going on lots of morning jogs to fill up our days without daddy.


Here are some reasons you should be jealous of where I live and of the beauty I get to walk in:


Yep, the temple is right down the road from us.




We also visited Aunt Laura (his real aunt) and his cousin Robert. Here they are getting to know each other better before getting in their strollers for a walk to the zoo and back. It was a lot of fun!


They're both pretty chill babies. Robert gets cuter and more smiley every time I see him!



This post makes it look like our days were fun-filled and busy while Blair was out of town, but the times at home between these fun events were quite long and dull! We're so happy the week and a half without daddy is finally over!